Grace and Mercy.

I don't know how many people will actually read this because it has been so long since I posted anything.  Did I kick Cancer in the face???  It got kicked, but it wasn't me, it was a whole group that fought with me.  By laughing with me, hugging me, listening to me, and praying for me.  Plus lots of flowers, letters, books, gifts, and constant love.  OH and medicine, surgery, and some more of that kind of stuff, which is pretty important too!

The month has gone by with some fun.  Dan and I went to see Julie and Julia, the movie. Very fun.  I also saw UP which made me laugh, too.  We had a visit with our friends from Seattle, Mike and Marianne. We enjoyed a fun dinner with friends that ended with a wonderful summer rain storm that we watched from their patio.  It felt deliciously cool, the sound was soothing and the smell of the wet desert is my favorite part of the rain.  Rachel arrived back from the Amazon with tales of adventure and Kate did great at the Pentagon.  this weekend they are on a beach road trip :- )  We hear from Danny as often as he can call from his deployment.  It comforts me a lot.   We got a city condo, and it will be fun to get it comfy and livable.  (for us and family.)  Dan got his cycle from Tasmania and it is up and running great.  It is really pretty, too.  

I am back to work, trying to figure out just what I can and can't accomplish with the stamina that I have.  Normal things sound do-able, but the reality is that I can only do a couple of them at a time, then I am out of battery power.  Eyelashes finished coming out this week, and I draw my eyebrows on each day.  BUT I think the hair on my head is trying to start growing.......... My hands and feet are still numb and stiff from neuropathy.  That should go away someday. 

Let's see what else? Chicken still tastes bad, and most really sweet things, too.  But through all this I have acquired  more of a liking for beef.  Crazy.  And I still love carbs!!

I will have surgery at the end of the week to take out my "port" and do reconstruction.  I was surprised to find out I shouldn't drive for 2 weeks.  Fortunately, there is a fun trip a few weeks later to look forward to.  

After that it is cooler weather, Thanksgiving, and Christmas!!!  Then the start of a new decade. Whew!  I can hardly wait.  I have lots to be grateful for, much to learn, and hopefully more compassion for others.  My heart is full of lots of emotions.  I don't have all the words to express the joys and aches.  Bittersweet is a good start though.  I am grateful for grace and mercy from God.  

Call  me sometime, I'd love to hear from you,

Love , Carmine

Summer of '09

I  am not really sure why I have taken so long to update this blog.  

Well, I can say that I am so glad that the chemo is done.  They told me the second half would be way easier than the 1st half.  It didn't happen that way for me, but now it's done.  There are still doctor's visits, other medications - some by IV- and a few outpatient surgeries.  I will also be getting body scans to keep an eye out for any baddies that want to make a comeback.  

It has been decided that I will NOT be having radiation treatment.  This is good news to me.  It took a while to get all the information, but it seems that it would do me more harm than good in the long run.  

I have been back at work this week and by the end of the day I  am pretty tired.  The accumulated effects of the chemo took more out of me than I expected.  I still have some of the bone aches, especially at night.  

On a  much more fun note, Rachel is off on her adventure to Machu Pichu and also the Amazon.

Kate is winding up her summer adventure in Washington D.C., and we heard from Danny this weekend (he's doing good, thanks for  your prayers).  Dan's sister Jean and her husband and two of their sons have been in AZ for a few days.  It is a tough time to visit AZ (otherwise known as  the nation's convection oven).   Tonight we had chinese food at The Great Wall, and then dessert back here at the house.  Zeke, our 80 lb. black lab, was so thrilled to have so many in the house and he even got some whipped cream on his nose.   It is funny to see yourself become the crazy old aunt.  In my case the bald, crazy old aunt. They asked how I would like my hair to grow back in, you know because so many people have it come in different than it was before it fell out - My answer?  "Not gross."  I mean, what if it comes back only in some spots and not in others? What if I am bald in patches? 

I would consider having a luau to celebrate the end of chemo, but unless we drain the pool, we don't have a good place to roast a pig or two, so I will just have to come up with another idea.  Maybe a clambake on a beach somewhere? I'll have to think about  this.   Just know that I am so glad for your support, constant love, and the many prayers said for me.  

Love ya,

Carmine

 

Yippee!!

WOW at long last today is the LAST chemotherapy!  I am very glad.  I think the next week will be very bearable with that in mind.  

Kate sent me an assortment of fake mustaches for fun, so I will wear one to chemo today, for fun or to make them all wonder (what is it about her that is different?  or How can she grow hair when the rest of us can't?)  Rachel and I tested them out last night.  Some of them could be wierd unibrows or strange small beards (which some men currently wear these days)

So thanks for all the prayers.  I will still be have a couple of small procedures, and will be taking tamoxifen and zometa for years.  But the really hard part is DONE.  :-)     

More later.  Parties and singing and dancing in the streets.  

Carmine

Yippee!!

"If we are fortunate, mystical echoes that connect our lives to persons and events of other times provide a kind of intermittent background music that adds an element of romance to our existence."  

This is the opening sentence to a book called Majestic Journey, about Coronado's Inland Empire.  I like it.  And it is  a more interesting way to start a blog than, How are you?

(I was looking at other opening lines to plagiarize, and my 2nd choice was, "A perfect day for bananafish" which is really a title, not an opening line.)

I am at home, not feeling great.  You know, tired and bone sore... I am reading, napping, soaking in the pool and napping some more. The pain meds help some, but not completely.  Last night I got too overtired and felt lousy.  I had my little cry (yes, little! I wasn't feeling sad, just sore) and took some advil to supplement, wrapped up in a blanket and did okay.  I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel though!  Pretty soon, I will talk about all of this in the past tense!!! Yeea!!!  

Rachel loaned me a book called, "Surviving the Extremes"  written by a doctor who goes on extreme expeditions.  He provides medical care and also documents the amazing ways humans survive in unlikely circumstances and horrible conditions.   It gets the focus off of cancer! that's for sure.  So far I am reading about Jungle survival.  Lots of bugs, ewwww..  Not the same romance as Jungle Book.  (the book not the movie, silly.)

Tomorrow I see the chemo oncologist so she can tell me how great I am doing at chemo.  Actually, I am doing decent.  My labs keep coming back in a good range considering I am in chemo, this is what the nurse said.  I haven't had to have a nuelasta shot the last two times because my white cells are okay.  

I am interested to find out how long it takes for food to taste normal again, energy to come back, and the metal taste to go away and digestion to normalize. I am aware that hair will take a long time before it grows back.  

My neighbor is having her knee replaced today, so pray for her quick recovery.  

I wish we all lived close enough to visit with each other and have dinners, and go  hike the mountain together, and laugh and hug.  Love to you, friends and family,  Carmine  

It was the best of times....

I am not Dickens, that's for sure, and I am sure you are glad I am not writing a book.  I was reading my daughter's blog and thinking how fun, what great pictures, the 4th at the Washington Mall, right between the Lincoln and Washington Memorials.  Wow!  So interesting and fun to read.  

Instead I can tell you that it is hot, and things have not changed much here.  I worked the last couple of days, and was able to take a peek at all the 500 + kids having fun at Kid's Club.  :-) 

I am amazed that we are nearing the end of chemotherapy.  Tomorrow is the 2nd to last one, and by the end of July I will be done!!  When I think about having cancer I have so many thoughts and emotions that surface.  I am not invincible and won't live forever.  I have constantly been surprised by the friends, neighbors, family, coworkers, (they all kind of blend) and even strangers who have taken the time to show me they care and offer encouragement.  

I definitely think that I am physically weaker, but stronger inside.  I also think I have a lot more to learn about life and being a good friend, wife, mother, listener.  I don't know what is ahead, just that I want to be adventurous, thankful, generous, and unafraid.  There are wonderful things happening all around me, and also some very hard and difficult struggles that I am aware of .   And so another day and reason to pray, and laugh and cry.

wow... so serious.  

Coming up?  Dog days of summer?  Sounds like a good time to take a road trip!  Fresh seafood on the coast, sand between my toes, (I don't have to worry about frizzy hair in the humidity!!) or maybe cool mountain rain showers and old mine roads through the continental divide on the back of Dan's motorcycle.  Maybe just breakfast by the creek in Sedona.....

Even if I just imagine it.  

:-)  Carmine

 

 

Cause for celebration!

Today is July 3.  I became a mom for the 1st time 26 years ago today!!!   Danny is far away today, so I can't grill  him a steak, or put sparkler candles on a rocky road ice cream cake.   There is still much joy in the day! What a great son.  Pray for him at his job, that he is strong and safe!  Happy Birthday Danny!!!!!!   

 

 Today the house is getting cleaned,not by me! (what an amazing gift!) and Dan is working down his list of chores.   We  might take in a movie later.  Not sure what yet, we are so behind on seeing any movies. I would like to see "UP" still, but maybe "Public Enemies"?

My bone pain is gone pretty much!  That gives me til next Thursday pain free, woo hoo. 

Yesterday I baked Amish coffee cake- muffins.  I added granny smith apples, extra cinnamon sugar, cloves, and craisins.  I only ate one because sugary things don't taste so great right now, but it seemed pretty good.  It certainly smelled great! I have starter yeast bubbling in the pantry if  you want some....

I have tried to read some but keep falling asleep whenever I sit for very long, I will try again today.  I have been planning on reading "Wicked" the true story of the wicked witch in the Wizard of OZ, the play is based on the book, that is all I know so far. I am also still working my way through all my other books.  Still it is always good to have a running list of what you are reading and what you will read next.  By the way, who has Candy Bombers?  I can't remember at all, I  just remember recommending it....

Next week Dan possibly will be helping out with Kid's Club Lake Day out at Canyon Lake, taking the kids out on the lake in the boat.  Tons of Fun!  And we might get to help serve a workcrew dinner(80 very hungry teenagers), but we'll see.  It might be just Dan helping with that too.  I will be going in the work on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and I am usually ready for a nap by 3.  

My friend Marianne's daughter gets married on 7-8-09 in Seattle, and I will be imaging being there.  Can you picture it?  A very GREEN, COOL, FLOWERY, ROMANTIC celebration.  It will be outdoors at a park, and in MY imagination Mt. Rainier is looming in the background.  I feel happy already.  

Today's joke:  A man rushed into his doctor's office yelling, "Help I'm shrinking!  His  doctor replied, "You'll just have to be a little patient."                                              :-|    sorry.

Let me know how you are doing, and thanks for all the prayers.  Please go and be adventurous, have some fun, do crazy or brave or kind things and then write and tell me about it, even send pictures (I am NOT on facebook yet, so you can just send em to me if you want).  

Only two more!

OOPS! how did I hit the post button?  Anyway, this last treatment went just fine.  I was able to have a couple of friends take turns being with me while I was "infused".  4 1/2 hours is a long time, so  it was great to have company.   Dan was leaving for Texas so Rachel drove me home and stayed the night, just in case I had a reaction.  

Just like last time I really felt pretty good on Friday, and Saturday started off fine too.  I started getting stiff and sore in the afternoon, and now am pretty tired and sore.  Not nearly so extreme as last time though.   I am so thankful.  My legs and arms and neck hurt, and ....my face (the bones) which is odd and funny at the same time.  Hopefully my face doesn't hurt anyone else!

My friend Marianne, from Seattle, was in town for just a couple of days.  She came by for a short visit Saturday morning and the time just flew by.  But she had to catch a plane, and it was time to say good bye.  Someday we will get to visit until we run out of things to say, which might take a while...

My cousin Crystal is training for a 58 mile bike ride.  I saw a picture and she looks great!  She is a little over a year out from her Chemo for breast cancer, and very inspiring.  So cool.

Plans for the week ahead include figuring out what we will be doing on July 4th,  Toasting Danny's birthday, and a couple of Dr. appts.  

Any good suggestions for books?  I would love to hear them.  

Have an good week, enjoy each day.  Love, Carmine 

Hello from Phoenix

Saturday is here and I am starting to feel better.  Enough better to stop taking the pain meds.

I am not hiking Thunderbird Mt. today, but I am getting a few household things done, and who knows we might even get really adventurous and watch a movie. This afternoon I resting though.  I don't  seem to have the stamina for too much in one day.  This morning Dan has been really busy.  He got our boat running, the 1st time since last summer (maybe fall?), and worked out in the yard on the sprinklers etc.  Right now he is out with Rachel looking at trucks and 4 wheel drive vehicles for her.  She had one that didn't work out, so they are on the hunt.  

Yesterday, my friends gave me a Mad Hatter Party...  this included lots of crazy hats, bits of jewelry, ribbons, belts,a feather boa and other decorations to dress up the hats.  We all tried all the hats (they looked better with some hair sticking out from underneath) and laughed a lot.  It was SO fun.  We had a good lunch and I ate too many potato chips, but so what.   

Other fun news ....my friend's son got engaged this week! Congrats to John and Lynn!  (and Sean and Danielle the soon -to- be newlyweds)

Remember Amish Friendship Bread?  The kind where you get some bread along with some yeast starter from a friend?  Well, my friend Yvonne brought me some this week, so it is happily fermenting away in a ziploc in my pantry.  I am so glad that it will be during a good week that it is ready to make a batch of bread to share.  And now with computers it is so much easier to share, all the recipe/directions don't have to be copied by hand :-)

Summer is getting going now, it is HOT and really bright out.  Possibly 110 next week.  Definitely want to be up early getting a few things done, and then resting in the afternoon.  I will most likely be going in to work M, T, W.  Things are really in the last crazy stretch for Kids Club at NM.  I will miss the 1st week, which starts June 28th.  :-( But I will get to stick my head in a bit the 2nd week, and I'm grateful.  It really is such an example of God's unconditional love  for kids who don't really get loved.  Everything else aside, that's what it is.    

I am not looking forward to the next round of chemo at all.  This last one was much harder than I expected.   Maybe it is just the accumulation of it all.  But they said it would be easier!  Well,  nothing we can't get through.  There are certainly harder issues and circumstances in life.  And this is helping me .... (remember the slogan?) KICK CANCER"S BUTT!!  ("roundhouse kick" to be precise! )  

Wherever you are, lots of HUGS,

Carmine

This is not FUN.

I meant to write this weekend, I had such good news.....Friday, the day after chemo was soooo good.  I had energy, I wasn't tired or sick.  I was so optomistic that the rest of this treatment was going to go better.  Euphoria would be a good word to describe my mood.  Saturday started a little slower, and through the day I became more tired and towards the end of the day, I started to feel sore.  Sunday I woke up really sore.  My feet, legs, hips, arms, shoulders, neck, and hands. My feet feel like some  one beat the bottoms with a stick. But inside.   Similar to growing pains I guess, it is really hard to describe.  It aches and hurts.  I tried walking, thinking that exercise and blood flow would help.  Wrong.  Then I tried a warm bath.  Wrong again.  So I look like a little old person, limping around and hunched over, easing into my chair.  

The good news is that I found out that the cool of the pool helps for a little bit.  So I have been in and out of it a number of times today.  (YEA, we have a pool!!!)  The doctor's office said the pain  should go away sometime this week.   I am ready.  Other than being really ticked that I have cancer, and that there are more treatments, things are fine.  

I am so proud of our kids, they have shown me such love and care and they constantly make me smile.  How did they get so smart and courageous?  Rachel will be mountain climbing in the Cascades and then Peru later this summer! She is working full time and going to school full time.   Kate is in DC for the summer as an intern for the Department of Defense and then will be graduating college!  And then getting her Master's Degree.  Danny is strong and caring and insightful and great at his job, too.    So I will think about this and quit complaining..... Sorry for the whining.  

Next summer, Dan and I will have some adventures to replace the memories of this summer at home.  

Love you, Carmine

           

I'm good, how are you?

You have been reading the mundane and repetitive account of my life, chemotherapy and the roundhouse kicking of cancer's butt.  How is your summer starting?  I have been praying for graduations, kids moving on to college, boot camp, weddings, pregnancies, knee replacements (yes more than 1), other surgeries, and adventurous trips.  Everyone has challenges and I am hoping  you are finding strength and hope in yours.  

We had a great  visit with Danny over the weekend, all we could have hoped for. He is able to fit in time for everyone.  The last night after dinner we were all able to just sit out on the back patio and relax for a little bit together. He makes us feel loved, and very proud.  It was hard to say goodbye, and of course I cried.  

I worked at Neighborhood Ministries on Monday and Tuesday and will again today.  There is lots to be done getting ready for summer programs.  500 + inner city kids will be all over the place for 2 full weeks.  Worship, skits, crafts, lunch, field trips, swimming, etc.  It is hot, tiring and wonderful.  I will miss being in the middle of it all this year.  There is more after the 2 weeks... Jr High, High School, mountain camp, etc and I will be able to get bits and  pieces of it all.  Right now there are summer interns all over the place.  They have been painting, cleaning, sorting crafts supplies, making phone calls to help plan field trips, carnival day and Lake Day.  

The activity level is great to be around.  AND the focus is not me!  Yesterday I made all kinds of calls asking for boat owners to come to Canyon Lake and give kids boat rides, and caught up a bit on my boss's scheduling.  It went really fast.

Tomorrow is the new type of chemo, and it takes longer so I will be there for 4 hours.  It should be easier than the last four, and so I am looking forward to the next 2 months being better! I will let you know how it goes.  Here is a thumbs up in anticipation of the next four sessions.

Carmine

Earl Grey

Unbelievable  but true, Earl G. tastes better than coffee to me right now.  Coffee stills smells great, thank goodness.  It is surprising the things that taste off, or smell weird. Cashews are moldy and musty. Toothpaste is not normal right now.  It both tastes and smells bad.  I have tried different brands and it doesn't help.  I was worried the strange taste and smell were coming from ME, but Dan has told me several times that it is not true.  Just in case, if you are my true friend, you will let me know if it is otherwise!  

What a way to start the latest blog entry.  Today is Sunday and I am really feeling much better.  My energy is up, and we are having a great weekend with Danny!!  It has been great to actually put my arms around him and get a big hug.  I just wish it could be every weekend.  He looks good, and has been working hard.  I haven't cooked any meals for us, which is a crime because he should be getting wholesome, home cooked, love infused, healthy, mom's best recipes- daily while he is home.  Next trip will have to do.  Instead, Dan and Danny have cooked or we have gone out for food.   

I am going to work the next few days, and enjoy the evenings on our back patio.  And get  some exercise  while I am doing good.  I know the days between now and Thursday will go fast, so I am going to enjoy as much as possible.  Church and communion today reminded me of how much I am blessed, and the capacity I have been given to share love, kindness and forgiveness.  (not me in particular, but as a child of God).   God will take care of the hard stuff.  

Thanks for following my blog.  If you want you can email me at danm58@netzero.net   

:-)  Carmina

Lots of Visitors

Well, I am progressing through the week as usual.  I am still very tired but so grateful that I am not sick.  I have had so many friends checking in on me.  Flowers, lunch, berry sherbet, sitting and chatting, to make the time go faster, phone calls and cards, it is all so encouraging.  Rachel came by; my friend Lynn stopped in after work; Doug and Tiffany Grim and baby Sophia, who has the cutest fattest cheeks on a baby; My Mom is in town for a couple of days for my Dad's surgery and she was able to stop by; and another friend Tami, who I haven't caught up with since early fall.  

I am definitely living through others right now.  Kate is at the beginning of her D.C. internship that runs through the summer.  How cool to have 10 weeks in Washington?  Rachel just took a motorcycle course, is taking summer school and working at the ER.  Danny was up in DC with Kate last weekend and is getting stronger now that he is past his tonsillectomy.   They all have way better stories tell than me.  

I walked around the block early this morning, trying to get a little blood pumping through my "mashed potato" body.  (as in contrast to a couch potato, which I think at least has some shape to it... kind of a baked potato?)  I napped both morning and afternoon, and after a few visits, here I am thinking about what time to get to bed.  Tomorrow will be a great day though because Danny is coming to town for the weekend for a quick visit!!! 

I am hoping tomorrow is the light switch day, when all the energy and enthusiasm comes back.  If not tomorrow, Friday? Tomorrow I also see the oncologist for a quick check in.  I like her, she is very direct, but lets you ask all your questions and doesn't make you uncomfortable for asking the questions.  I will probably be getting the information on the next round of the new chemo drug that I start next Thursday (June 11th).  It is called Taxol.  

Well, more later, hopefully with a joke or a story or something of interest! 

Carmine

2nd day past chemo

Today is Saturday, May 30 and now I am working my way through the last of my A/C dosage.  This is the half way mark, and I am so glad.  I am tired and don't have any appetite, and drinking 12 0z of water every hour   seems a chore.  But in the scheme of things, it is really going pretty good.  

I am trying to  read a bit when I can.  Candy Love, loaned to me by Kate, is so funny.  I think it was written for Kate.  A Year in Provence, about a Brit couple learning to live small town life in the south of France.  Easy to pick up and put down.  Emma, by Jane Austin, sometimes drives me crazy, but makes my brain work.  Waiting, a lifetime waitress, another donation of Kate's, is also funny and easy to pick up and put down. Island's in the Stream, Hemmingway.  I take this a little at a time.  Added recently, The Greatest Generation, by Tom Brokaw and Travels with My Aunt by Graham Greene.   More suggestions welcome.  I just finished one that was great all about living in the hills in West Virginia during the early 1940's.  It was great but I can't remember what it was called or who wrote it......my brain obviously needs more exercise.

I still am so happy about the great reunion we had last weekend.  I am still sleeping so much.

Dan will be traveling the beginning of next week so I will have some friends in and maybe play cards, or pull out old pictures, or something.  Hopefully a little less sleeping than the last time.

Kate is in DC on her internship, and Danny is there for the weekend to see her!  I know they will have fun and that makes me so happy.

Rachel came by to say hi and tell us a bit about her classes this summer.  And show us pictures of her Zion trip.  Angel's Landing was incredible, and the whole hike so beautiful.  

My look into the outside world is small but greatly appreciated. 

I hope everyone is well, and send my love,

Carmine 

Feeling Like Myself

This is the end of Wednesday and I have had  two strong days.  I worked, met with my girlfriends Tuesday night, felt like my old self and laughed. Today I was at work again.  Notice, no crying or whining.  Being in the midst of activity at Neighborhood Ministries was great.  I only feel bad that I am there for such a small amount of time when there is so much to be done.  Summer Interns are there now, and the level of activity is high getting ready for this summer's Kid's Club.  There isn't  much time to play catch up over what I have missed in the days I have been gone, just jump in and line up some things for the next week.  My on and off schedule have left many others covering for me along with all their other duties.  

I can't believe that tomorrow it starts all over again.  The great news is that this is round # 4 of chemo, so that means that I am half way through!  After tomorrow, I will be done with the 1st chemo drug and on to another, which they say is generally tolerated better by most women.  Woo hoo!  I will keep all this in mind over the next several days.  

I will not be going to Sonic for my cold drink tomorrow, I am really sickened by the thought of all that overly sweet slushy.  My plan is to try something really cold but not very sweet.  Right now Ice Tea with lemon and no sugar sounds pretty good.  Or unsweetened  Iced coffee.  It just has to last about 25 minutes and be REALLY cold.  Maybe coffee in my stomache isn't the best idea ....... Someone needs to make an Arnold Palmer icee for Circle K stores.  

I haven't lost my eyelashes or eyebrows yet, so I am thinking that I may actually get to keep them the whole way through. I would like this very much.  I can deal with it if not.  But still.

No plans for the weekend, we have a couple of movies in case I happen to have any interest or energy for them.  Plus I have a couple of books to read if I can stay awake.  Maybe this weekend I will even be up to sitting out on the patio with  my feet in the pool and Dan on one side and Zeke's big wet nose nudging me on the other.  Hopefully I will write in this blog so you will know how it is going.....   :-)  Carmine

Wonderful

We had such a good reunion.  We ate, we laughed, we hugged, took pictures, heard about all the kids and wished we had more time together and then ate more Mexican food.   Now everyone has said goodbye. Everyone was loving and caring.  I cried after they left.  I always cry after goodbyes.

It would be awesome to do this every year.

Sunny AZ

Today is Saturday and the weekend is going well.  We are having a great time with all the family.  

Last night's 80th birthday bash went well.  We ended up having dinner catered in Wickenburg, AZ where Dan's folks live.  It was so good to see everyone hugging and laughing and catching up on each other's lives.  We found out a few more details about Grandpa's growing up years on the farm.  We retold old stories and added new ones.  This is the 1st time ever we have all been together.  It is a treasure.

I am wishing we all lived closer together.  I end up thinking this about friends and family so often. I am so grateful for the far reaches where we have traveled and have friends, but then I wish we could see each other and do life together, have barbecues, call up spur of the moment for breakfast, hold each other and cry when we need a shoulder, attend kid's play's at school or soccer games and .... you get it.  Adventure, travel and exploring, making a difference in the world God put  me on are important but I  also want to have coffee and gelato with all of you whenever I can.   ( if I EVER  quit needing naps. )

We sat under the gazebo last night and soaked up more of each other's company.  This is good.

Today, Thai lunch (the metal taste goes away only while I am eating - this could be a dangerous prospect.  I need to get lots more gum!) before everyone went off to Wickenburg again to assemble birthday presents and visit more with Grandpa.   More sleeping on my part.  Zzzzz

Now I am going to sit at the edge of the pool in the shade and soak my feet and try to strain my brain with a soduku puzzle.  Praying for you and your days.

Carmine

 

Sleeping Sickness

Good Morning,  it has been surprisingly overcast and humid here in Phoenix the last couple of days.  We had some thunder and lightning, lots of wind, and a scattering of rain.  This usually happens in July and August, not May.  As I would like to blame everything on Chemo, including cellulite, Bad Hair Days (!!), headaches, mood swings, and tiredness,  I could also include the weather...

I have been SO, SO tired since this last treatment.  I can't imagine sleeping through the night after so many naps, but I do.  I went to lunch with my neighbor, Sue, and was walking to the door of the house thinking of bed afterwards.  We went to The Good Egg, which was just right, I was able to order plain eggs and toast and yogurt for lunch, and she could have avocados and bacon and salsa, no problem.  

I seem to have developed a metallic taste in the last few days. (in my mouth, I personally don't taste like metal :-).  It doesn't seem to change the way my food tastes.  Someone asked what I do about that, fortunately I don't  have to take any other medication I just chew lots of gum.   

I haven't been as social this week, just because I have been so tired.  I did manage a walk around the block on Tuesday morning early before it got too hot.  No great stories to tell, the houses still all look the same, no coyotes chasing down ducks, and hardly anyone out at all.  I had plans to be phoning friends, and getting out a bit.  Maybe next week!  

We are looking forward to the weekend.  Dan's brother and sisters and their spouses will all be arriving on Friday for his Dad, Merlyn's, 80th birthday.  Dad has been in the hospital this week following up on some heart concerns, so pray that he will be healthy enough to enjoy some attention and affection and festivities honoring him.   

Dan and I will celebrate our 29th Anniversary this weekend as well!  

I have loved your love and prayers, calls and notes!  I haven't figured out tech enough to know how to respond to posts you make.  I can return emails though (danm58@netzero.net).

Much love,

Carmina Bella

  

Friday after chemo

So far things are going much better than before.  I am not at all nauseous, can carry on a conversation, laugh some, and eat a little.  Mostly I am really sleepy, and tired.  Not a bad "day after"!    I am really psyched and hoping that this is going to be a trend.   

My friend Bunny drove me to get my shot of Neulasta this morning. Neulasta helps to increase my white blood cell count and therefore prevent the risk of infections. (chemo kills white and red blood cells and plasma cells along with cancer cells, hair cells, and other fast growing cells in the body) 

Afterwards, I napped and had a little homemade chicken soup from my friend Lynn.  I guess I could eat it because I didn't cook it (that last batch I made was a disaster.) Rachel stopped by and had a quick visit on her way to work.  She told us about her hike in Payson yesterday. They had a great time rappelling, hiking, wading through snow melt streams.    I don't think she has slept since a couple of days ago.  

I thought I might sit down and read a bit after this post, but now I am ready to snooze again.  zzzz.  Maybe I'll read later.

Thanks again for the prayer and good wishes.  :-)  Carmine

Hi ho Hi ho It's off to work I go!

Today is Wednesday morning, and I have been having a much better week.  Right now the doors and windows are open while it is still fairly cool outside.  There are birds singing, the breeze is blowing , and Zeke is pestering me to rub his belly.  I love this day God made.  

Mother's Day was so good.  We got up early and went to Cave Creek while it was still cool and joined lots of our friends, just visiting and having coffee.  Then a big group of us went out for breakfast at the Good Egg just a little ways down the road in Carefree.  We headed to church after that.  A bunch of the kids at church were curious about me being bald and asked Dan if they could see...so after the service I took off my wig. (I am still taking suggestions for names for my little hairy friend!! I am not so creative on my own)   Lots of bugged eyes and one girl said that the hat I had "worked" for me.  :-)

That was a busy morning, so we went home and had a simple lunch.  The rest of the day was spent in the pool under the umbrella reading.  Rachel came by on her way to work with a Sock Monkey for me and chocolate and stuff.  Danny called and Katie called too!  They love me :-).  I am so proud of all of them.  They have been working hard and are doing some incredible things.  I don't think I was ever so smart or brave.  

I tried to watch "Horton Hears a Who" after dinner but only made it half way through before falling asleep.  It was  great day.

Monday and Tuesday and today are Neighborhood Ministries work days.  Lots of hugs in between trying to get things organized from being gone so much and knowing I will be gone again starting tomorrow.  A couple of Dr appt.s and my Tuesday night group (dinner and girlfriends!) have filled in some of the week, too.  I haven't gotten any trips to the gym or workouts in this last two weeks.  I will try to go up and down the stairs at work several extra times, but that really doesn't cut it.  I have had the wierdest appetite lately.  Campbell's chicken noodle soup, plain real mashed potatoes, plain toast, nothing spicy (which is outrageous), no coffee, not much sugar, and plain scramble eggs.  Just writing it is boring.   

Danny had his tonsils out on Monday and it all went well.  He is sore but fine.  Even without his mom there (imagine that).  His computer died though, so he doesn't have email while he is stuck at home.  

I think I am ready for this next round of chemo.  I know that God made all my days and I am so grateful for the daily reminders that He is providing for the hard ones too, not just the happy sunny ones.  I hugged and cried with a woman who can't find work and who's husband can't either.  Rent is behind and they have only a few meals of food in the house.  She is a hard worker, and wants to provide a good life for her children.  We both ended with the words that God is here with us in this place - it's difficult and we don't know how all the days will go - but we know He is real.  Finding the practical way to be His hands in a hurting world is pressing and necessary though.  I can't just focus on my situation or it will cover and swallow me.  

Dan will be in Texas for the day tomorrow, so my friend Lynn will be with me for my chemo.

Maybe she won't have to sit on a stool but get a real chair if it isn't too crowded when we are there.  I will be back to Strawberry Limeade from Sonic - the cranberry limeade wasn't very good.  I wish there was a peach one.  

We are looking forward to Dan's Dad's 80th birthday on May 22nd.  Dan's sisters and brother and their spouses are coming to celebrate.  It should be a really fun weekend and it's only 2 weeks away.  So pray that this round of chemo goes better and I am over the worst before they all come.  (then we could dance til the sun comes up if we want! :-)

Have a great day,

Carmina Bella

Better Outlook

Yup,  things are looking brighter.  I woke up feeling much better, after sleeping all day Friday.

I was able to make a short trip to the grocery store, and then..... we went to the movies! Yea!

Star Trek was so fun and just a great escape. "These are the voyages of the star ship Enterprise..."  I can foresee II and III must already be in the works.

I can tell I am still running on less of a battery charge but I know these are just cycles to keep working through.  I received more wonderful cards in the mail (cyber and snail) which never fail to cheer me up and remind me of how fortunate I am to have so many caring and loving friends and family.  If you called me and didn't get an answer, I was sleeping and will call you later this next week. 

We had my Dad over for dinner, and then we all sat outside and talked and listened to the fountain and enjoyed it as the night cooled.  Dan even jumped in the pool for a quick cool dip. 

That's enough excitement for today. 

Hugs, 

Carmine

Yuck

Today is Friday and the last couple of days have been tough.  I seem to have had a reaction to medication that I started on Weds.   Basically, I was curled up in the dark. Sick, weak, nauseous, stomach cramping, headache, and occasional jitters or something.  

Last night I slept better, and woke this morning feeling weak, but coming out of the yuck.  

Not much appetite, which is unusual...I love to eat everything.  Just not now.  

I am getting used to walking around with out hair.  Most of the neighbors have seen me now, so I am not scaring anyone.  

Hopefully sunshine and rainbows and ENERGY tomorrow, and a more interesting update!

Carmine

Flowers, flowers mmmmmm :-)

Well, I had to think a minute to come up with  a  positive title.  It didn't take too long though.

The past days have been slow and tiring.  I don't accomplish much.  But the great news is how much love and care I am wrapped in.  Sunday and Monday I received flowers, chocolate covered strawberries, my friend Bunny brought me a healthy fruity lunch and took me on an errand, I've heard from all the kids, and even my yard has a bunch of flowers for me to look at. (this is Phoenix, so a "bunch" is relative and they will soon become crispy remnants, but it still brightens my day.) 

I heard from Danny that his yard is full of flowers, azaleas, rhododendron, dogwood (I think), etc. I would love to see it so lush and colorful.    I wish I could go see him now.  

Dan put up a gazebo in the backyard so I have lots of shade to sit under.  The pool is about 70 degrees and the air about 97 degrees today (?)   I won't be in the pool, but it is all very soothing and restful. 

I will get bloodwork done today to see how my white cells, etc, are doing.  If my energy level is any indication, the chemo is working.  I ate breakfast and was ready to rest........ I am looking forward to the  part of the week when the energy and enthusiasm all come bouncing back.  :-)   Every so often I see my reflection, and am surprised by the older bald woman walking around in our house.  Did you know that your hair and bangs hide a lot of little lines and wrinkles?   I still have eyebrows and lashes, so I am using mascara while I can....

Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement.  It works. It makes me cry but in a good way.  

I am praying for each of you, because I know that life is a challenge for us all, and I hope you are encouraged to keep making a difference in every part of your day.   Grace and hope to you,

Carmine

2 Down - six to go!

Carmine had her second dose of Chemo this week. We are very thankful that she did not experience as much nausea as last time. I'm writing because she is tired and trying to rest.

I've attached a picture of her sporting the Terrier (wig) and a picture Sans Terrier......her hair was thinning rapidly so the clippers were used yesterday afternoon.

Carmine's looking forward to visiting by phone and in person this week, we're trusting her energy will be building over the next few days.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, dan

Wednesday April 29, 2009

Today is the day before my second chemo, so I thought I would write a quick update in case the next few days are not so good.  

I have had a great week so far.  My energy is back, and I have been able to drive downtown to work, and be a part of the functioning human race.  I received lots of hugs back at work, and was a little bit of help.  I have several doctor appts today and tomorrow, and need to drink as much water as I can in prep for the chemotherapy.  AND I still have hair!

I made chicken soup from scratch yesterday, to have on hand for the weekend.  It sounds good now, but I'll see how it goes.  Who knows, it might really sound disgusting when I am nauseous.

Yesterdays mail was so fun, I received a bunch of cards and notes of love and encouragement.  What a gift right before my treatment.  Thank you!!   I was able to talk by phone and email with Vancouver, Swaziland,  Seattle, Chicago, Champaigne, Virginia, Germany and friends and family here, catching up and laughing and feeling loved and stronger.    

I am off to work now.  I hope you have a sense of how thankful I am that you would show me so much love.  

Carmine

April 26th 2009

Another great day!  Actually,  all the days since Thursday have been good.  I was able to do work from home, have a couple of meals out, visit with family and friends, write letters,make blueberry pancakes (I was craving them), circle the block quite a number of times, organize my "cancer" notebook  (fun fun fun), and even poke a few flowers in a planter.  I can't say I was very fast, but I can say I am very happy to be feeling better.

Last night the neighbors across the street brought us cupcakes!  What a fun surprise. MMMM  Red Velvet cake.  It really dyes your fingers red when you eat it. 

This next week I will be working, seeing various doctors again (3 appts.), and having Chemo on Thursday afternoon.  It isn't looming so large now that I know what to expect.  In with all of that I will hopefully be talking to some of you, looking for good jokes, laughing, cooking (and eating) and passing on some of the mountains of love that have been showered on me.  I think it will be good to make a list of interesting or fun things to do in Phoenix in the summer, for when I have the chance.  (Indoors and air-conditioned.)

If I didn't have to get some normal things done I would have a party every day!!!  We'll just have to plan a few at a time ......  :-)   Actually, if I am fortunate enough to have a good week for every hard week, I will be grateful.

Thanks for all the calls and prayers and cards, I love everyone of them.

Carmine

It's been a good day.

It is amazing how different I feel compared to just two days ago. I don't know if this will be the pattern, but I am just glad for these last two days.  

Yesterday, along with feeling better and stronger, emotionally and physically, I had a wonderful visit from my friend down the street, Yvonne,  and her two boys.   I had to smile!!  The boys played with the dog, talked to me, colored, cut chain paper men, and ate lots of watermelon.  

I loved it.  Yvonne left me with some great tea, and a good start to the day. thanks!

After that I wasn't  even tired,(!!) and I was able to do some Neighborhood Ministries work, it wasn't like I changed anyone' s life, but I DID something.  I made phone calls, check emails, schedules some things, and still had energy. I made some more calls, and wrote a couple of notes.  My friend Lynn called after work, and we had a great time sitting outside eating salad and talking.  I went home and watched a movie: Bedtime Stories.  I didn't cry all day.   As I write this, it sounds so basic.  Maybe you are getting the idea of just how sad and tired I had been.  

I have been sorting through some of the piles that have accumulated, worked some, met my folks for coffee, had a visit from Rachel, and I am getting ready to cook a healthy dinner. Dan is in San Francisco on a turnaround business trip.  I am able to imagine the view of the city from the other side of the bridge, the headlands side, and it's almost as good as being there.  (if you haven't walked through the spongy Muir Woods, try it sometime, it's great) He keeps calling to check on me. :-)

 I finished reading Endurance, about Shakelton's Antarctic survival (thanks Kate).  They say Shakelton was a most gifted leader in that he encouraged great things out of everyone in the way he served them.  

I talked to Danny a couple of days ago.  He says Hi!  (Thanks for calling me :-) Danny, it helps me feel better.

Our friend Juan just called and is so excited. He is leaving tomorrow to visit Spain.  He will be in Mallorca mostly.  Isn't that exciting?  I can smell the ocean and taste the seafood.  MMMM.  I would go there. 

After dinner, I will take a couple of laps around the block, and then read some more.  It's not Spain, but it will do for now.  

Keep praying because I know it helps.

Carmina Bella 

Hot, Hot, Hot

Summer is in Phoenix now.  Yesterday was 102 degrees.  I needed to exercise for many reasons, but it was too hot and bright out.  I went to the mall and walked and walked and rested on all those little sofas and benches scattered along the way.  I seem to move in slow motion for now, and still get tired so often.  

We had sad news at the beginning of the day, a friend passed away in hospice care.  She was an inspiration to many, and loved life, touching many around her.  Her death from breast cancer is emotional and hard.  

I pictured myself being strong in this fight, not so emotional and physically tired.  I know it is just my body getting used to the drugs of chemo, and the chemo doing what it is supposed to do, but I would like to be a  valiant warrior charging forward.  I am hoping that as I get used to the regimen that I have more energy and can accomplish more, live a little more enthusiastically.  I miss being at work at Neighborhood Ministries, and the energy and care that being there involves.  It is fairly overwhelming to think of driving back and forth though.  

The good news is that I like how easy short hair is.  And Dan is taking such good and careful care of me.  Our dog is so happy to have  someone around the house all day.  

I am sorry if this is not a very fun read today.  More later. Love you, Carmine

Saturday Afternoon, April 18, 2009

Well, I am back feeling mostly normal.

Thursday I was scared all morning about the upcoming Chemo session. It actually wasn't all that bad. My nurse Mary was very willing to answer my questions and take me slowly through the 1st treatment. I was the youngest person there, which surprised me. Dan was able to sit with me and be my anchor.


I had a strawberry limeade slushy from Sonic to drink while they put the Adriamycin in..... it keeps your mouth cold and is supposed to help prevent mouth and throat sores. My cousins, Erica and Crystal have been through the same treatment and have given me several tips. One was to have the nurse give the Cytosine slower through the IV pump to prevent headaches. I did start to get a headache and the nurse immediately slowed everything down, and that helped! (good job Erica and Crystal!!)


We went out for Vietnamese food for dinner after leaving the doctor's office. I was optimistic and hungry. About two hours later I started to get nausea and it just kept getting worse. I was pretty miserable all night and was even weeping for no exact reason. The bad nausea and funky feelings lasted through Friday morning (my mom and dad came by to hang with me while Dan went to work). We picked up an additional drug (my 3rd for naseau) at the pharmacy and after about 3 hours it finally seemed to kick in and help. I was able to rest Friday afternoon.


Friday at noon Dan and I went for my Nuelasta shot (this it to help my white blood counts). Nuelasta comes with warnings of bone aches, fever, and flue like side effects :( I am happy to say that other than being a bit groggy and sleepy none of the Nuelasta side effects have seemed to show up. I was also given my fourth Rx for nausea (this is what might be making me drowsy).

This morning we went on a few errands since it is such a nice day. It was nice to get OUT without being headed towards the doctor! We had In and Out for lunch and a walk around the block when we got home (I am embarrassed to say that our block seemed longer to me than I ever remembered). Our neighbor across the street left today for the Boston Marathon - what a contrast.


I am so grateful for all of the cards, visits, calls, card games, flower, collages, etc. I can't keep up with it all, but am so encouraged. If I could only convey how much I am touched by your care and the love that flows through. THANK YOU.


I am going to sit down now with a book and probably fall asleep. I am so hoping that the rest of the treatments go this quickly and that I am able to work and function and live the days almost like normal.


As always, God is my strength.
Blessings, Carmina Bella

1 down - 7 to go

Carmine had her first dose of Chemo yesterday afternoon, Carmine really appreciated the nurse's manner in helping make her feel as comfortable as possible with the process.

Carmine had an uncomfortable night and is feeling pretty green this morning. Betty will be here this morning....... a booster type shot mid-day. Pray for the right combo of meds so she can rest this weekend.

Lots of Steps

Good Morning!  I hope your Easter/Passover was encouraging.  Ours was, it rained most of the day Saturday, and then was fresh and clean and sunny Sunday morning!  Easter always makes me feel full of hope.  Everywhere I looked I wanted to see things with God's perspective.  His love for all He created, His heartbreak for the hurting, and His assurance of HOPE.  Some of my friends at work made collage pages for me last week, and then wrote notes of their thoughts on the back....I still can't think about it without choking up.  

The Johnson Family (they have 3 of the fun-nest boys to be around) brought dinner last Thursday after my port surgery.  It was a welcome burst of energy and life!  

Dan downloaded my favorite song for Easter, and then we went to church and then joined my folks and Dan's folks for a feast.  :-)   Lamb and Pork Roast!  Lots of veggies,mmmmm and then pies out on the patio.  I was tired and happy.

Monday we left the house by 6:30 to be at an early appt in Scottsdale.  The dr ran late and so we weren't home til almost 11:00. The consultation with the radiologist left us certain that we want to get a second radiologist's opinion!  Emotional and frustrating.    

  Insurance calls and blood draws took the rest of the day.  Then I decided to grill and make a real dinner.  (some semblance of normalness)

Today is the plastic surgeon followup, tomorrow is the regular surgeon followup and Thursday is Chemo.  (1:30 AZ time - pray that I am brave! and that I tolerate the A/C drugs well.)  Friday I get a shot.   Then, I don't have a dr appt for a whole week!  YEA!

It all makes the 1st time around with cancer seem so uncomplicated (It wasn't but time kind of blurrs some of it.)

Thanks for the calls, cards and visits.  I don't feel so cut off from everything.  We are praying for your families, your jobs, your struggles, and that you would be strong and blessed!

Love you a ton,

Carmine 

Quick Disconnect

We're both finding ourselves thinking a lot about Jesus' experience as a man, his pain our healing......his relationships and our sense of his joy for us personally as he suffered.

Carmine had her port (the quick disconnect) installed on Thursday, she came home pretty sore and groggy. She really looks great with her new hair cut, she's been working on picking a name for the terrier.

We're really looking forward to celebrating Easter at Neighborhood and then family time at Carmine's parents (my Mom & Dad will also join).

The Week Ahead

Monday morning we meet early for a consult on evaluating radiation in addition to the chemo. Please pray for our wisdom and understanding here, we've decided to follow our GP's exhortation to trust and wait for a real sense of peace regarding the choices ahead here.

Thursday afternoon Carmine has her first dose of chemo. Please pray that this first session sets the tone for the rest of her treatments, that she flys through.

He is risen!

Short note

Today went by quickly.  I decided to get my hair cut short, so maybe it won't be quite as emotional when it all falls out.  Lori Jowdy, cut it beautifully, and it is fun and curly.  I think I will still be emotional when it falls out though.  In fact I am pretty sure of it.  

I have been challenged by several of you, and you know who you are, to make sure that I am open and honest about my feelings.  Well, today I felt hopeful and loved and glad to be alive and working through details.  Driving helps,  life feels more normal.  

Tomorrow the port gets put in and I am just not thinking about the details of that.  I will wake up and it will be done.  

Pray that the procedure goes well, and pray that I am open and honest with my feelings so my friends and family know what I am thinking, when I am sad, and when I am discouraged.  

I love your notes and calls, Carmine

Rug Shopping

Today has been good.  I started driving again.  I still have a teddy bear between me and the seat belt to act as a buffer.  What a sight!

Last night Rachel came by for a visit, and just stayed and chatted a while.  It helped the time just fly by.  

Today I went and bought a wig (rug).  It took me forever to decide; blonde or brunette or redhead, curly or straight, long or short or in between?  All the wigs have names and I was very unsure who I wanted to be by the end.  The platinum blonde sitting in my chair was a little scarry even if she had my same nose. I settled on a really short haired terrier, I mean, wig.  Dark brunette.  Tomorrow I am getting the real hair on my head cut very short so when it comes out, there won't be too much to vacuum.  

I am looking for one of those goofy baseball hats that comes with a ponytail.....

This afternoon Dan and I went to Chemo training and saw where I will be having my treatments.  I pictured something more soothing or comforting.  But it's just a big room crowded full of vinyl recliners with IV poles next to them.  People of all ages and cancer  types will be there.  I can have one visitor with me at a time.  The visitor gets a rolling stool to sit on.

Tonight I met with my girlfriends and laughed and enjoyed the cool evening air.  What a gift to have so much love and care in my life.  Thank you everyone for this gift.  Carmine  

How are we doing?

We're both doing well.........lot's of love, prayer, flowers, chocolate.....tears and friends!

Carmine's not driving yet, pain, fatigue, hard to get comfortable at night.

Today a PET scan, tomorrow chemo training, Thursday minor surgery installing the port, next week radiation consulting and then the start of Chemo on the 16th. Feels a lot like a freight train!

Carmine thrives on the hugs and connections.....Our kids, our parents, our family, our friends, she really enjoys the calls and visits.........call her, let her know when you're available, let her know you're thinking of her and praying for her.

Me, I'm not so huggy........don't ever hesitate asking how Carmine's doing, you'll know how I'm feeling when you ask about Carmine......

We've both grown a lot in the past eight years, we've learned a lot about loving each other and finding God's love and grace in the middle of pain. We're anxious about what the next six months will feel like, but are confident in the good outcomes. Carmine doesn't want to be an invalid, she wants the chemo to go quick and easy........PRAY she finds stamina and strength and is able to give chemo a big round house kick!

Getting Started

So here we go.......the cancer details

On March 2nd we confirmed that cancer was back again and that Carmine would be facing a 2nd mastectomy, eight years since her first bout and first mastectomy. Ughhhhhh!!!!!!!

Jumped on a plane for New Zealand and Australia (trip already planned) on March 5th, had a blast for ten days - we're both good at practicing outta sight and outta mind. Returned on the 15th to learn the surgery was already scheduled for the 19th. During surgery on the 19th we learned that the cancer had spread into her lymph nodes.

Pathology report: Invasive Ductile Carcinoma Stage IIB

This means Carmine will be going through Chemo mid-April through August this year. She will also be undergoing hormone therapy and reconstruction and possibly radiation. The bad news is that the cancer had spread to two of her lymph nodes, the good news is that the prognosis is very good ......... right at 90% once she's through.

As one of our friends said "she'll look a lot better than Dan does without hair!"